New Year...

I haven't written much, or anything for that matter of the struggles that have been going on in our lives for 2 1/2 years.  For the last few years Nic and I have been struggling with infertility.  We have no answers as to why we are struggling.  We have two beautiful children who came to us very easily, but for some reason this third child is taking much longer.  The time spent waiting is heart wrenching to say the least.  Friends and family who I have been pregnant with for both of my kids have had their third and they are now walking and talking.   I'm so happy for their success but it doesn't mean that the pit in my stomach isn't there.
Through this trial that we are being faced with I have learned some things, my eyes have been opened and I want others to take note.  No one should ever ask the question, "So when are you going to have another baby?" Or anything close to that.   I am guilty of doing it, so for those that I asked that question to I am sorry.  I say this because it's no ones business, it's a private matter between spouses and the Lord.  And  it's very painful to bring up the reason as to why.  Don't compare.  Don't top someones story about infertility.  Infertility is hard, painful, and expensive.  God gave us struggles, struggles that He knows we can endure.  So though you may have been struggling for longer, shorter, or have had miscarriages.  It doesn't matter.  My trial is my trial and it was given especially for me. For me that I might take something greater out of it.
I have beat myself up about this pretty much daily.  I have questioned my ability as a mother. I have questioned the Spirit that I felt when I received the inspiration 3 years ago in the Temple to add to our family.  I have questioned my life and the direction it's going in. I have said "I give up" countless times. I have said that "I won't stress about it" monthly.  I have wailed, screamed, and jumped up and down like a little 2 year old who get's told "No".  I have failed too many pregnancy tests, and have taken too many ovulation tests.  After all of this doubt that feels my mind you think I would get the hint.  And I have, several times.  I KNOW there is an angel in Heaven waiting to come join us.  Maybe not now, but sometime, sometime hopefully soon.
I have learned patience in a new way, not the way that I have been praying for since I became a mother, but patience with the Lord's timing.  Patience in knowing that the Lord knows what is best, patience that maybe He is holding our child back so that he can be taught more.  This world is a scary place to raise a child so the more he learns up there maybe the stronger he will be when he joins our family. I have grown closer to the Lord, I have the habit of reading my scriptures and praying daily.  I have read the Book Of Mormon twice, D&C once, and have a few pages left of the New Testament.  I study and listen to talks, I watch Mormon ads, my testimony is stronger, and I have faith in the Lords timing. We are closer as a family and Nic and I are closer than we have ever been.
For now this is our struggle, and we're dealing with it.  Some days are harder than others, but we still see every day blessings and tender mercies happening around us. We are blessed and we know that.  We have a firm testimony of our eternal family and of the Lords timing.  So for now we are patiently waiting.